like sugar on my h.e.a.r.t.

[diego]

NINTH OF NOVEMBER, 2005;

((NOTE: This is an old entry from Tony's journal, pre-shifter academy days. This has nothing to do what's happened on the island to date, and occurred all before he moved here. I just got Tony-muse, and decided to chuck this up. C: ))
--

Well.. this is lame.
Probably the most stupid thing I've done in my lifetime so far during the pathetic nineteen years I've put in. I don't even know why I'm doing this. Writing things down doesn't help me. At all. I'd much rather go storm off into my room and isolate myself for a few days. This has to be the most girliest thing ever.. seriously, how many guys actually do this? Not counting the transvestites. They don't count. Ugh, whatever.. I'm kind of running out of options anyways; the old 'go anti-social for a while to get over things' isn't as effective as it used to be lately. Guess one stupid little entry can't hurt. So.. Hi, journal, my name's Anthony Lawson Cooper and I'm pretty sure we're not going to get along.

Right then.

I'm going to skip the whole introduction bit where I tell you every aspect of who I am in the beginning. It's not important. I know who I am, and I don't need some journal book thing to evaluate me. So lately things have been just short of crappy. I used to live in these apartment buildings that were relatively close to the Franklin University campus here in CT with my best friend. Harmony. She's really cool, we hardly ever fight, and miraculously she puts up with my 'difficulties'. Long story short, we met junior year back in Newton High, and had been sharing a room ever since. I know you're just a piece of paper - okay, a lot of pieces of paper - and binding, but I know what you're thinking. I did not, I repeat, did not sleep with her. Hell, I've never even kissed the girl before, contrary to common belief.

Not that there's anything wrong with her, don't get me wrong. She's just.. I don't know. Not my type? It's weird. She's like my sister and stuff. Like I swear her mom should have been mine, and vice versa. At -least- half siblings. Unfortunately, mother nature had something else in plan and that never happened. Harmony never.. uhm, well, apparently I wasn't always like a brother to her. She, I guess, saw something more in me that I couldn't give. Kind of like hoping there's one more present under the tree during Christmas time, and spending countless minutes poking around under a tree who's pine needles stab like daggers and hurt like a bitch only to discover that there wasn't another present afterall. What you had was what you got stuck with. Not that I'm comparing her to a pine tree but--

Screw it.

Anyways. She told me- I had to find out through some gossip blog blast thing that she liked me. And had for quite some time. Do you know what it's like, knowing that your best friend, the one that's been there for you during the roughest patches of your life and stood by your side through anything, fails to mention so major? I mean, I could understand a little crush or something that you get over in a month or whatever. But the gossip thing made it seem like this had been going on for much longer than a month. Even two. Isn't the fucking point of being someone's closest friend is to tell them everything? No matter how bad, funny, sad, awkward, whatever? I seriously don't get it.

Women are too.. ugh, I don't know. Stressful. Too much to handle. Sneaky? Definitely sneaky. It makes it hard to trust anyone these days since this all came out. I mean, if my own best friend can't be upfront with me, then what things are other people keeping out of my face and lying about? On -top- of that, I had to move out of the apartment I'd grown to love. Harmony, naturally, was heart broken and really upset looking but... to be honest, I was almost relieved. Okay okay, let me explain. I had told her about the move before all this happened, and yeah, I was depressed and pissed at my dad because he's an arrogant prick who has to have things his way (more on him later). But after I found out about this, the last thing I wanted to do was stick around and deal with our situation face to face.

I'm a coward. I know this already. I run away from a lot of things, or I go about handling them the wrong way. This is no surprise. So I left as quickly as possible -- my dad was giving me till the end of the week to leave but I left earlier and lied, telling her he was making me. I just couldn't handle it. Not ontop of all the other things I have to deal with right now.

Which brings me to my next example to why girls suck right now; Maddie. I'm not going to get into the history of me and her, but long story short we dated. I loved her, I'm still not sure if she ever loved me even to this day, and she broke my heart. Just yesterday I found out why -- she thought I was cheating on her with Harmony. Harmony! Seriously! I hate to put it this way, but so far she seems to be the common denominator to most of my problems right now... Not that I'd ever tell her that. I don't even know if I believe in what I just said. But I'm ticked off enough right now to trust in it for now, and I don't give a damn. Maddie and I finally cleared things up, and things started looking like we might actually be able to make a clean break, but then she had to go and say she wanted to be friends. Like real friends. The kind that do stuff together, like hang out, watch a movie, laugh, get along, cry blahblahblah. Basically like how we were without the sex.

Do you even know what that would do to me? I guess you wouldn't, since you're paper, so lemme fill you in. First of all, I'm not over her. Getting there, but not completely. Having her around me more frequently in my face is only going to keep bringing back memories I don't want to remember, and it's only going to make things miserable. Secondly, when Maddie gets shitfaced, she gets horny as fuck and starts rambling about the truth all over the place. Last thing I need is to have her trying to get me in bed with her and having her tell me she cares. Because I know me. And I know I'll keep caving in and sleeping with her, and get to thinking everything will be okay for that night that we'll be together. That everything will go back to normal and I've been just living a terrible dream.

Until I wake up the next day, with her in a terrible hang over not remembering a single thing that happened. Before I'll know it, she'll be gone without so much as a second thought - other than where the nearest tequila is - and leave me reeling with yet another broken heart. I don't even know how she can do this to me. No single person has ever had that much control over me before, not even my mom when it came to telling me to clean my room or something. It's like I -want- to make her happy, even still. But the happier she gets, the worse off I wind up, and things just suck from then on out. Women for me are just... ughhh. I don't want to deal with this. Any of it.

Like the idiot I am, I told her we could be friends. And, of course, got pinned with the job of finding her a decent boyfriend. Let's just say it's a lost cause and move on... Now I'm home with my dad and mom. He hates me, and wants to change me, while my mom is sick with some kind of.. something.. that no one wants to seem to tell me. I wouldn't be surprised if it's like cancer or something. I know that's terrible to say, and I love my mom. She means the world to me. But on top of everything else that's happened to me in these last couple of years, why not pile something else extremely bullshitted onto my over stuffed plate of issues. At least I can't blame Harmony for this one. Though a small part of me wants to.

There. I vented. Happy now? I don't see how these things are supposed to help; all they do is force you to think about the stuff you don't want to and record it so you can read it over and over again. Reliving the pain and hurt and angst. Whatever, it's done now. I'll start another one soon, if I feel like it. Man I need a drink.

-TONY