~...And then there was me

[sophie]

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when you're down and out,
when you're on the street,
when evening falls so hard
i will comfort you.
i'll take your part.

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deardiary,

It's been hard.

I don't know anyone except for Stellan. He's nice but he doesn't talk much. I've talked to him a couple times on the chat for the school but other then that, nothing. Well, not true. I talk to him sometimes during class and that one day in the cafeteria but that was awkward.

I haven't talked to my roommate much. Her name is Skylar. She's nice from the little I've talked to her. I want to talk to her more but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that she'll be one of those people who'll attack me. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to end up how it was back in Washington. I don't want to end up being that girl who is afraid of everyone and everything. I don't want to be that girl who everyone picks on.

I thought coming here would change me. Make me open up more and come out of my shell more. Well, nope, I was wrong. I'm going more inward then anything else. I'm starting to find myself lost in my head or my sketchbook or my writing more then before. It was never a problem when Nicholas was around. But then again, Nicholas was the only person I ever talked to. I never talked to anyone else besides my parents but even then I didn't open up to them.

I miss Nicholas a lot. I haven't heard from him since I talked to Stellan in the cafeteria. If he knew how much I missed him and how much I want to cry because I'm alone... It wouldn't be good. He's what kept me stable this whole time during everything that's happened.

I'm going to write the e-mail I received from Nicholas

Soph --

Hope everything is going great! I'm glad to see that you are taking a chance and venturing out of your comfort zone. I'm glad to see that you are at a new school away from home. I'm glad to see that you are starting at a school where you can make friends and leave your shell. I hope that you do. I miss my little sister. The little sister I knew and still love.

How does he know everything is going to go well? He's not here. He doesn't know the type of people that are here. There are some scary people here. I haven't met any of them but they just seem scary. The way the dress and talk and what they do. Especially in the chat... He wants me to leave my shell? I don't know if that will happen. He's not here to help me out of it...

Everything is fine over here. It's hot and sticky and gross. Sand is everywhere! And I mean everywhere

[/u]. You wouldn't like it but yet you're in Hawaii where they have a lot of sand too. But anyway, the guys I stay with are awesome. They're nice and I get along with them really well. I wish you could met Mike. He's been my best bud since I came over here. He's taught me the ropes: what to do, what not to do, when to do certain things, and when not to do certain things. He's really helped me out.[/color][/i]

Ha sand is everywhere here too. I'll find it in my dorm room and other places. It's in the showers a lot. I know why but you'd think it would go down the drain with the water... I'm glad Nicholas has a "best bud." Now I wish that I did. I want someone I can count on like Nicholas. I want someone that can help and that can get to know the real me. I've kinda opened up to Stellan. Maybe he's the one who is suppose to help me with that. Maybe... Hopefully. I needs someone like Nicholas....

Soph, everything will be fine. Just relax and try to get to know your roommate. They stick you with a roommate for a reason. I bet she's nice and she'll help you out.[/i]

Get to know my roommate? I haven't talked to her yet. She's always out and never in the room like me. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that's whats suppose to happen. Maybe I'm not suppose to be friends with her. I hope not because I don't want her to hurt me... I'm my room all the time because I like it. I don't have to interact with other people and I don't give people the chance to hurt me. If only he knew that. Oh wait, he does know that. He just doesn't want to accept it.

I have to cut this short because I have to leave soon. I have to do some work in the city. I'll e-mail you again later Soph. I love you. Remember that. I love you. Even if it seems like no one else does, I do. Don't forget that.

I'll e-mail you soon.

Love,
Nicholas
[/i]

I know he loves me. I know he loves me more then anyone else. More then mom and dad actually.... I hope to hear back from him soon. I know he's busy but I'd love to hear back from him...

School is killing me. I thought we had a lot of homework at my old school in Washington. Man, I was wrong. We have more now then before. Animal Bio is killing me along with Criminal Justice. They give so much homework and the classes are hard. I love Creative Writing because I can get lost in my head. It's something I look forward to everyday. Stellan will stare at me when I get lost and give me a strange look. He doesn't understand what really happens when I get lost. It's something that keeps me going.

I haven't heard from Mom and Dad once and that's fine. I don't want them to get involved in anything. I like being away from them. I want to stay away from them. They just make things more complicated.

All my thoughts have been rambles... I'm not sure what's going on...

I just want Nicholas....

I want him to come home...

I want him to hold me in his arms....

I want to cry on his shoulder...

I want to hear his laugh...

I just want my older brother back...


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xoxoxo
SophieJessicaReid
4^th March, 2011

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[sophie]

- - - - - - - - - - -
when you're down and out,
when you're on the street,
when evening falls so hard
i will comfort you.
i'll take your part.

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[/center]
deardiary ,

So much but then so little has happened since my last entry. It's been harder than my last entry. Things have been so busy and the homework load is a lot. I spend my time sleeping, going to school, doing homework, eating, sleeping, and doing homework. I don't like it. I haven't been able to shift in a while. It feels weird and I'm itching to feel the wind through my fur again.

I've thought about going back to cutting again. To get the feel that I'm not alone and to loose all the emotion again. I've thought about it but haven't done anything yet. The itching to do so again is almost like the itching to shift. I haven't cut in years but I might. If I don't find someone I can talk to soon.

I would talk to Nicholas but he's over seas worrying about his own things. He doesn't need my problems dumped on him.

I've talked to Skyler a little bit. She's nice and I think she may be the only person I can trust here. I'm hoping that I can. I'm hoping she's what I need. You never know what you might find here. Maybe she's the answer to all my problems.

Only time will tell.

xoxoxo
SophieJessicaReid
22^nd March, 2011

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[sophie]

- - - - - - - - - - -
when you're down and out,
when you're on the street,
when evening falls so hard
i will comfort you.
i'll take your part.

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[/center]
deardiary,

((OCC: This is before Sophie started at SA. She's been putting this scene in my head for the past day or so. She/I need to get it outta my/her head.))

I sat on the back deck holding my knees. Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn’t stop sobbing. The sobs made my body shake and I’m surprised no one heard me. I wanted the pain to go away. My head hurt from the crying; my heart hurt from what I’d seen; my body hurt from something (I wasn’t sure what but now I know). My head sank down to where my knees where and rested against them. I felt myself climbing inward. It was like having a coffin nailed shut, have weights tied around it and thrown into the deep-dark ocean where it will never be found again. That’s what I felt like. I almost felt bad because Nicholas had worked so hard in getting me back to my normal self. But, someone had hurt me and that was it. I had grown close to someone only to have that person hurt me. It was a sign that I needed to close up and never open up again.

The image was fresh in my mind. Thomas holding Madison in his arms and kissing her. Just how he had held me. Next to Nicholas, his arms were the second safest place I felt. Their faces were connected and eyes closed. I remember the way she smiled when she saw me. I gasped loud enough for Thomas to hear. He pulled away from Madison quickly and blushed. It stood there with my mouth open. He tried to apologize but I wouldn’t have it. I ended our relationship right then and there.

That’s how I ended up here.

In my crying, I heard someone say my name. I didn’t bother moving because I knew who the person was. I felt gentle, strong hands lift my head and move the hair from my face. My vision was blurry from the tears but I knew who the strong gentle hands belonged to. The hands whipped the tears away and settled on my jaw line. “Sophie?”

[/color] He asked gently trying not to startle me.

I collapsed into Nicholas’ chest. I sobbed and his strong gentle arms wrapped around me. I sobbed getting tears on his shirt. “What’s wrong?”[/color] He once again asked gently.

It took a while for me to calm down enough to have the words slip past my lips. Once they did, these moments would forever change the course my life. “Thomas….and M-madison…k-k-kissing…I-I e-en-d-d it,”[/color] I choked out between sobs. The words made me cry even harder. I buried my head into Nicholas’ chest wanting the pain to go away. I felt Nicholas tense. I knew what was crossing through his mind. He wanted to hurt Thomas for hurting me so badly.

“I’m so sorry Soph. Everything will be alright. Promise me one thing, that you won’t close up on me. Please? I worked hard to get you to where you are today. I don’t want to lose you.”[/color] Too bad that coffin was already in the bottom of the deep-dark ocean. There was no way that coffin was coming back any time soon.

I closed my eyes and continued to cry. I didn’t answer to Nicholas must’ve known the answer to his request. He had to know that all his hard work went out the window. That’s when the physical pain became too much. I cried out in pain and the next thing I know, I’m laying on the ground. I looked around to realize that I was a big red fur ball with four legs and a tail. I felt innate fear and anger overcome me. The first person I saw was Nicholas who was sitting on the ground on front of me with his eyes wide open staring almost…curiously at me. I don’t know what happened but the next thing I know is that I’m attacking Nicholas.

After that, I remember waking up in my bed room with Mom sitting next to me.

I’m not going to write anymore about that night. It pains me too much. Instead, I’m going to go into when I visited Nicholas in the hospital.

Two days later, I went with Dad to the hospital. I still felt guilty about what I had done and I knew there was no preventing what I had done. Mom had explained and told me what I did was alright. I dunno, it just felt wrong. I attacked my own flesh and blood, my brother, my best friend.

When we reached the hospital, we went straight to Nicholas’ room. I kept on pulling my sleeves down to make sure that I was covering my bandages from when I cut myself last night. I was at a hospital, I didn’t want to alert anyone I had done something to hurt myself.

I remember walking into his room and being shocked at how vulnerable my older brother looked. He wasn’t supposed to be that weak. He was pale and he looked very tired. There was a beep-beep-beep sound from the heart monitor and a drip-drip-drip sound from the IV attached to his arm. He had bandages all over his body. The most bandaged area was on his chest where I had continued to claw and bite at. I had a flashback of that moment and stopped dead in my tracks. Nicholas saw me and gave me a questioning look. I shook it off and nodded that I was okay.

My visit was short. I kept on having flashbacks of what I’d done to my best friend. Today Nicholas had decided to tell me he was going into the military once he got better. He had been planning to tell me before but didn’t have the chance until now.

With that news, my whole world fell apart. Everything I had known and loved was leaving me. I left his room and didn’t come back for another three days.

I would go into more detail but I’m not in the mood for it. I don’t want to depress myself anymore. All I know is that Nicholas is now in Basic Training and he’ll finish that soon. Once he’s done with that, he’ll be deployed. He doesn’t know where yet but I have a feeling it will be overseas. As of now, I’m at home, alone. With no one to love me. No one to talk to. It’s only me, my books, and my sketch books.

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xoxoxo
SophieJessicaReid
23^rd January, 2010

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