Can you keep a secert?

[shinyamori]

Okay… So no one in hell is going to read this. So I’m keeping it simple and just talking about my feelings. I’m not going to see this object like a person with feelings… Sorry not me. When I die this thing is only going to burn to ashes anyway. Like I said no one in hell is going to read this… this is not my first journal but I’m bored so I’m writing whatever.

Okay for my own amusement I will pretend this thing is actually alive…

My name is Shinya. For some of my entries I will probably just write a poem or a part of a book I thought of. Now my thoughts of my day…

Put it in few words. I hate my life and this day. If it wasn’t for Shigemi I think I would be dead now. My day was like any other. Boring and unsatisfying. It’s so dull here; or maybe it’s because I’m new or because of the situation I just got out of and had gotten used to. I really need to get friends to hang out with or something. Sitting places and doing nothing but writing is driving me mad. I do have to mention this one girl I met and saved one night. There’s something different about her. She’s completely innocent and I think she breaks very easily. I don’t know why but I have this need to protect her. I don’t know if it’s like a sibling protect or more than that. I never wanted to protect someone other than Shi (my brother). The feeling is new. I guess only time will tell how I feel about this all. Hopefully my heart will reveal itself soon.

Shigemi once told me we shouldn’t want to die in our early years. For we never know what’s in our future no matter how much we think about it. For someone who is so naïve can be really smart about things like that. I think it’s because he thinks too much. Either way I try not to think about actually dying and leave this life. I swear if Shigemi wasn’t here with me I would be cursed into a damned life. Now I’m done my little pity fest. I think I will stop now; nothing more I have to say.

Okay I lied I have more to say.
Why live? Can you answer this question?
Is living important?
I should write a poem about this… I’ll get back to you on that. For now I will stop truly. I really have nothing else to say. Bye for now.

Shinya~

[shinyamori]

So right; I wrote that poem about why we live. With two more poems; just about different things. Anyway the first poem is scattered a bit; my thoughts were scattered when I wrote it.

Why live?
We live to see a better tomorrow
We live to know if our life will change
We live to know who we are going to marry
We live to have children
We live to help the people and animals in need
I live to see the end of my days
I want to know how I will die
If our lives can be worse
Why not help the people whose lives cannot be any worse
We our selfish people in a selfish world
I live to see how fucked up the world will become

Passion
The passion to live
The passion to die
Human passion is like a lit candle
It burns in side us like a flame
It goes on till we can’t
We have passions for everything
If we didn’t have passion
The world would be bland
The passion to love
The passion to hate

The darkness
We are all surrounded
By the darkness that lies inside us
Where the sins of our nature rests
Where light cannot go
The world will be surrounded
By the same darkness of human sins
No matter how small the darkness is
It will never go away
For sins of this world
Will always be here
In our hearts they rest

Now that’s done I have something to say about the other night. It’s midday now so I don’t have much to say about my day other than school is so boring; though I am learning something.

Last night I was on the school’s chat. The boy; Shi, Noah and I went with to cook cookies awhile back was on. His name is Dymetri, I remember the name. It’s not a name you hear often. He made cookies for Shi because he ate the ones they cooked. I don’t believe it’s the same as the ones they cooked; only because of the thought and memories they hold. But it’s really the thought that counts. He was going to drop them off but when I told him what room I was in he said he couldn’t. I understand why; damn I hope Shi doesn’t read this… His best friend roomed in this dorm and died. This really reminds me of my mother. She died in our house in her room; I can’t go anywhere near my parents room without crying my eyes out or punching something or both; or really in general. But I remind myself that her spirit is still with me. I hope that I’m doing all I can for her to have happiness in her eyes. I wish I can see it if I am; She died with sorrow in her eyes; I will never be able to forget the look in her eyes as I watched her die. But I feel her with me whenever I doubt or lose myself. I wonder if Dymetri knows this; that his best friend spirit is still around. I hope Dymetri knows he’s not truly alone. I believe that people close to you never truly leave you; for their spirit is still around. This might just be a coping thing but I really don’t care.

Well that’s it for now.

Shinya~

[shinyamori]

I haven’t written in this journal in a long time… Guess that’s my fault.. Oh well.

I have a lot on my mind right now but yet it seems so little as I think of how to write it down.. If that makes sense..

So there was this girl I kind of gotten a crush on. I talked about this before… The same girl I saved and everything.. Well I winded up telling her my feelings sort of.. A different way than just flat out telling her but she seemed to understand where I was going. She said she had feelings for me too.. But after that night on the chat I never heard from her again… She had my phone number and I texted but she never texted back… I can’t believe I let my feelings get away from me.. This is what happens to me when I let someone in… The people I let in always leave me. I know Shigemi is still around but I never have completely let him in… This same girl said that there’s always going to be happiness in your life even if it doesn’t last long. But I think she only said that to make me feel better about my crappy life… The parts where I have been happy in my life are not worth how much pain I have went through. I think about the times where I have been happy in my life and I cry. Will there be a happy ending for me?

Almost every movie you see has a happy ending; I guess that’s why I don’t like romance films because they make the ending to happy and obvious… This is the cultures way of hiding the truth; to show people happy endings can happen. And they can I believe them to happen. But there are many, many lives that don’t see the happy ending. There are so many teenagers out there that have killed themselves because they were social outcasts at school. And many more teenagers who are social outcast still alive but are thinking about killing themselves. I’m one of those people; I’m a social outcast who has thoughts about killing themselves. But the reasons I want to kill myself is different than others. I’m tired of living with these painful memories and what’s more painful is living with the happy memories when you’re living a not so happy life at the moment. Now you can say that I’m just being selfish and that my life could be worse. I know it could be way worse, but it’s not worse I have been through worse in my life I know how it feels. And if I could I would help the children who are going through the same thing I went through. But right now there is only so much I can take. Before I didn’t care if I was alone, but now I have felt what it’s like to care for someone special and I can’t live without it and it’s killing me. It’s nice to know someone in the living world cares for you other than your brother. But the two women who cared about me are gone and those are the two people who have ever cared about me if you don’t count the boy who has been with me since birth.


And loves light led me to you through all the emptiness that had become my home. Loves lies cruel introduced me to you at that moment I know I was out of hope. Kill me I begged and love said no leave me for dead but never let me go. Loves icy tomb lies in a cemetery that bears my name. Loves violent tune from us rips our hearts out and leaves us bleeding with a smile on our faces

Shinya